Kiss Isn’t the Team Los Angeles Needs. It’s the One We Deserve.

Without a modern stadium, equipped for the demands of the NFL, Los Angelinos hopes for an NFL team have been suppressed for years. Sure USC has provided some pro-level thrills here and there (thanks Reggie Bush!), but nothing has come close to that NFL feel. And frankly, nothing will. So why not get behind something entirely different and more than a little crazy? Something like Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley, of the rock band KISS, creating an Arena Football expansion team and named it after their band? Too crazy? Well, that shit ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

 

image02Football is back. Enter the LA KISS.

That’s right. The Kings’ of Showmanship Rock have created a professional sports franchise dedicated to the image, attitude, and style of their legendary arena rock band, KISS. Give the man credit, Gene Simmons is one hell of an entrepeneur. Hell, the announcement was made last summer and in under a year they’ve managed to do the impossible – land an active professional football franchise in LA. Now, this isn’t an NFL team. Honestly how the hell could it be? This is the most ridiculous sports news since Smush Parker “smusherized” his Escalade (I’ll give you a moment to look it up). I mean, what the hell is Arena Football anyway?

image00This is probably how Australia plays hockey

It’s essentially regular football, just played on a 50 yard field, with walls on every sideline, and a bunch of batshit insane special teams rules. I am sure there are other important differences, but that’s not what this article is about. This article is about the fact that we live in a country where four, middle-aged men in over-the-top make up can start a band based entirely around partying and pyrotechnics, then take the money they make from being in that band, and create a football team based on that band. THIS IS AMERICA, MOTHERFUCKER. Do you want to know how badass this team is?

image04These are the ACTUAL uniforms.

Yeah. The team colors include chrome and “fire”. What’s that? Fire isn’t a color? IT IS WHEN YOU’RE KISS. Basically KISS set out to create the most balls to the wall football franchise the world has ever seen. So far, they have succeeded. They went as far to make the field silver. The field. The thing that the guys play on. Is silver.

image03The logo at the 25 yard line is a guitar pic.

Your move, sensibility.

Interested? Well, last summer you could have snagged season tickets for just over $60 dollars, but now? Prices are ranging from $99 (reasonable) to $2,250 (how?). If you go for the season tickets at any price, you will also get preferred seating at a full length KISS concert in the Honda Center, where the team plays. If you have any questions about LA KISS tickets, feel free to contact Chris over in their front office. No I’m serious. Their customer service email is just some dude named Chris that works for them.

image01

See?! That dude probably has like… 26 emails a week to deal with. Crazy.

I’m sure most football fans are unhappy that Los Angeles’ first team in 10 years is basically an elaborate Family Guy cutaway joke. Well, too bad! LA hasn’t earned a real franchise yet. We lost our last two NFL teams because we refused to be patient. We didn’t stay loyal, like fans in other markets would/have. The Raiders suck more in Oakland than they ever did down here, but that place is PACKED every Sunday. If we want a real team, we’ll have to start showing up even during the dark days. So lets show a little support, Los Angeles!

Still not sold? Try watching this incredibly weird commercial where Paul and Gene help a woman give birth to a football.

There are no rules anymore

Did you see that?! That was how they chose to appeal to a fan base! They even added a gross popping noise when the football came out! This is why we deserve the LA KISS. We deserve an underdog. An odd duck. A team that has the same values as the city it represents: spectacle over substance. The LA KISS aren’t for the rich girls in Santa Monica wearing Chris Paul jerseys. They aren’t for your hipster friend from Silverlake who swears he’s always been a diehard Galaxy fan. This is a team for that dude on Venice beach riding the unicycle while bodypainting himself. This is a team for the transient teenager on Sunset that asks you for money so he can buy food for his dog. This is a team for the side of LA that never dies. This one is for the freaks. There is no long, illustrious history here. This is an organization built on killer guitar riffs and pyrotechnics, not championships. A franchise that rocks so hard, it’s spelled in ALL CAPS. One day, an NFL team will come to Los Angeles, but what are we going to do in the meantime? The answer is a simple 3 step process:

 

1. Get LA KISS tickets.

2. Rock n’ roll all night.

3. Party every day.

 

Enjoy the show, Los Angelinos.

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