Kiss Isn’t the Team Los Angeles Needs. It’s the One We Deserve.

Without a modern stadium, equipped for the demands of the NFL, Los Angelinos hopes for an NFL team have been suppressed for years. Sure USC has provided some pro-level thrills here and there (thanks Reggie Bush!), but nothing has come close to that NFL feel. And frankly, nothing will. So why not get behind something entirely different and more than a little crazy? Something like Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley, of the rock band KISS, creating an Arena Football expansion team and named it after their band? Too crazy? Well, that shit ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

 

image02Football is back. Enter the LA KISS.

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Just Bid Baby: The Oakland Raiders Guide to Make the Most of Free Agency

It’s March, which means, according to science, you’ve inevitably given up on your New Year’s resolutions. Would you like another chance at a fresh start? Well, you’re in luck! March 11th marks the beginning of the NFL’s fiscal year, when contracts officially come off the books and the free agent process begins.  Teams will fight to get under the salary cap, re-sign star players and strategize their use of the franchise tag. Basically, it’s the GM’s time to shine.

For the Oakland Raiders, the last few New Years have failed as spectacularly as my resolution to quit crystal meth.  Coming off back to back 4-12 seasons, and navigating contract hell, the Raiders have been at the bottom of the NFL for years now. However, with shrewd maneuvering and some patience, GM Reggie McKenzie has managed to create a favorable salary cap situation, setting the Raiders up to be one of the most intriguing teams this offseason.

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Harvard Crimson: Another Upset Brewing?

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For the third straight year, it appears that Harvard (22-4, 9-1) will make the tournament, allowing experts a unique opportunity to trot out the same lame jokes about the Crimson Nerds. Laugh it up, because evidently, brains win games. Last year the Ivy’s best sent 3-seed New Mexico home in the round of 64.

The Ivy does not have a conference tournament, simply sending the regular season champion or playoff tiebreaker winner to the dance. As a result, Harvard likely needs to beat rival Yale one more time – in either their March 7th showdown at Yale or in a one game playoff – to gain the automatic birth to the NCAA Tournament. Continue reading

CANADA QUIETLY DOMINATES ENTIRE TOURNAMENT; WINS ANOTHER GOLD

Throughout the 2014 Winter Olympics, I made quite a few predictions. Some ended up being laughably wrong, some tragically wrong, but I did get one thing right, which happened to be the most important (and easiest to guess):

Canada won the gold medal.

That’s two straight Olympics. 11 Canadian men now have two gold medals in ice hockey in the span of four years. Two consecutive Winter Olympic Games that Canada has been the odds-on favorite to win gold, and both times have they delivered. Canada has been spared of the heartbreak endured by the Russians, Americans, Finns, Swedes, Czechs, Slovaks, Austrians, Slovenians, Norwegians, Latvians, Swiss, Germans, and Belarusians, most of whom haven’t even seen a medal in the previous two Olympics, let alone a gold, let alone fucking two golds.

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NO MEDAL FOR YOU: US MEN’S HOCKEY TEAM FAILS TO REACH PODIUM

I thought maybe waiting all day to finish this would take some of the edge off and let me put things in perspective. I was wrong:

Well, fuck me.

Look, this is hard, because I don’t want to be that guy calling out a team for a bad loss after a heartbreak like the one dealt to the players of Team USA by their North American brethren less than a full day before the shitshow we saw this morning, especially because I’ve never played in the NHL and easier said than done and if you can’t stand behind our boys feel free to stand in front of them, but the Americans simply should have played better, especially because their opponent was essentially in the exact same situation.

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WELL, THAT ONE HURT

Four years after suffering heartbreak at the hands of Team Canada in the gold medal game of the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, all America wanted was another shot.

We got it, and it went wide.

I began my plea for belief by asking Americans to abandon reason, foresight, and logic because reasonable, logical foresight led to the conclusion that Canada would win. I used reasonable, logical foresight when I predicted Canada would win gold.

Throughout the game, the Canadians were faster than the Americans. Canada’s passing was crisp, while the US had trouble connecting tape to tape. For most of the second period, the Americans looked like they were just trying to keep up, while Canada dictated play with a textbook offensive zone cycle that exhausted America’s defenders and opened up plenty of room for Canada’s big, speedy forwards.

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MEDAL ROUND, BITCHES

All right, America, it’s time to drop the objectivity. It’s time to leave reason, logic, and foresight behind and give in to blind emotion.

It’s time to do what Teemu Selanne and the Finns did on Wednesday, and what they’ll no doubt continue to do tomorrow.

It’s time to believe.

Sure, the Canadians have Sidney Crosby, Jonathan Toews, Duncan Keith, Drew Doughty, Ryan Getzlaf, Martin St. Louis, Jeff Carter, Shea Weber, Corey Perry, and Carey Price, among other top-level players. Sure, they’re the defending gold medalists. Sure, their country lives, breathes, and dies hockey, showing a devotion to the frozen sport that rivals Europeans’ devotion to football, or Americans’ devotion to football.

The fact of the matter is that if there is any one team that can beat the Canadians in this tournament, it’s Team USA. The Americans have overcome every challenge the Olympics have thrown at them and have looked good doing it. What’s that, Russia? You want to go eight rounds in the shootout? Meet TJ Oshie.

Seen here: the hockey player performs a complicated mating dance.

Oshie’s 4 goals in 6 attempts proved to be the toughest test the US faced. The next day, Phil Kessel recorded a natural hat trick as Team USA beat Slovenia 5-1, granting them the top spot in Group A and the second overall seed in the tournament. Three days later, the US took advantage of the day off their bye earned them to light up a tired Czech Republic squad and roll to a semifinal matchup with none other than those bastard syrup-suckers, Team Canada.

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